I actually contemplated really long before I decided to do this and I'm sorry it took this long, but trust me it wasn't easy.
So there has been crazy speculation that JianHao and I ended things and I decided to clear the air today cos I think you guys deserve to know what exactly is going on.
I know we've never publicly announced this, but we were actually together for more than 1 and a half years and I'm aware it isn't a remarkable duration but it was my longest and probably one of the most serious relationships I ever had; which meant a lot to me and will always be kept close to my heart.
The reason why we've never talked about it openly was because we had a mutual agreement that it's better to keep things on a low key to prevent any unnecessary drama but it's funny cos you guys still managed to find out anyways... But then again I think it was pretty obvious too lol.
As most of you are aware, we were already friends for about 2 years before we got together and I must say that my previous relationship before him really shattered me and even when I was dating JH, it was hard for me to get over the last guy. But he stayed. He pressed on despite my insecurities, my past and my uncertainty.
He helped me grow to become a better person. He was always there as my pillar of support and strength and he never once got complacent.
It took him 6 months and 3 rejections before he managed to win my heart over.
It's such a shame that I'm only sharing this amazing story today, but in all my years with several other guys, I've never seen anyone who was able to treat me the way he did.
The graciousness, the compassion, the security, the assurance and the love he gave me were unconditional.
I believe I did my part too and I made sure everything he did for me was reciprocated with sincerity.
However, I guess like any other relationship, everything starts to fall apart the moment you love - because inevitably, expectations start coming in, your emotions are heightened and everything that was once a privilege becomes a need.
Gifts are no longer special, they become a necessity, being there for your other half becomes a commitment.
Falling in love is easy, but staying in love is hard.
It's sad as you watch your flirty msgs turn into nothing but daily, routined questions. like "where are you?" "have you eaten?" "are we meeting?"
I mean yes, the honeymoon period has to end somewhere somehow and it really takes both parties to maintain that spark and stay driven to work things out in a relationship.
The moment one party decides to stop trying, the relationship would start to deteriorate and eventually that's how people break up, separate or even divorce.
Everything was perfect between the both of us, or at least during the first year but soon it got boring and strenuous as work got in the way.
80% of our relationship was propelled by work. Work, work and lots of work.
He started his business late last year during my assessment period and we started arguing a lot due to our clash in schedules. We both felt compromised as our priorities shifted.
We still managed to work it out eventually but more and more things got in the way.
We got a puppy (Buncha) together early this year and she was a blessing, but it also made us fight a lot more and as responsible owners, we had to stay home more often than usual so gradually, we stopped going on dates and stayed home most of the time. We started to run out of topics to talk about because we saw each other every single day.
It was kinda bad because the only thing that kept our conversations going was work and it became pressurising as it becomes a challenge finding new things to talk about every single day.
We knew meeting all the time wasn't the right thing to do to our dying relationship but it was so habitual and we felt uncomfortable whenever we were apart.
So yes, it might have been boring but it also made us feel comfortable.
All the perfections you once saw in that person or relationship start turning into doubts like, "is this what I wanna live with for the rest of my life?" "am I gonna stick with this and not have fun anymore?"
So eventually I realised that all those so called perfections are not exactly perfections, they are only perfect because people choose to see those imperfections in a perfect way when they are in love with someone.
I guess if there were two things I regretted they would've to be 1) not separating work and my r/s with him and 2) for meeting him so often because that indirectly caused us to grow apart.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming everything on these two factors because I had my wrongs and parts where I failed to perform as his girlfriend which I will be completely honest about today:
Firstly, I saw someone else for awhile last year when our relationship was at a pretty rocky stage and I felt like he wasn't giving me the love and attention I needed due to his busy schedule. I begged for him to stay and he forgave me, so I cut all contact with that guy. I fought hard to gain his trust again and we were okay for awhile as we tried working things out after we spoke about how we both felt. However, I guess we never really got to the root of the problem and the last straw for him was when it happened again a week before he decided to call things off between us.
As mentioned in the earlier part of my post, the relationship started to go downhill and more problems arose, we could hardly hold a conversation without getting into an argument and conveniently, the same guy spoke to me again. So I met him and JH found out eventually. I know this is not the point and as long as I have the intention to hide, it's cheating but there were no physical contact between us (Just to clarify.)
I ended things off with that guy and this time, it was a clean slate. In case you were wondering, that guy and I were never serious about each other and I guess I was foolish for indulging in the thrill of it without thinking of the consequences. I'm not gonna push the blame to anyone, because whatever I did was wrong.
JH and I did try to salvage things after he heard my explanation, but I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't forgive myself for whatever I did and I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him again.
Being with him was one of the best things that happened in my life and even if I were to meet someone else, I doubt it'll ever be the same.
I'm 19 and I gave up a lot to be in this relationship, fun, friends and a casual teenage life... And I guess I'm not entirely ready to give that up at this point in time.
He's 22, looking for a stable relationship and probably a potential wife who would be willing to settle down with him in the years to come.
Am I ready? I don't think so.
And I don't think it's fair to hold on to such a great guy just because he's the ideal one for me.
So yes, we broke up and it's been 3 months since we did.
It's a huge pity and I'm sorry if this is going to disappoint many of you because the relationship you perceive to be "perfect" is not perfect after all.
Behind all the glamour are two humans scraping through their lives.
It's sad because once upon a time it was, "all i want in my life is you." and when things don't work out, "please get out of my life."
It was a wonderful journey and I'm glad to have known so many of you, I'm glad we grew so much together and I'm glad it ended now than later.
I hope all of you would respect both of our decisions and allow us to have the space we need.
Anyway, it has come to my knowledge that he has moved on and found someone new recently and it does hurt, but I'm happy for him.
Don't worry, we are still friends and we still care for one another and we will still continue to make videos - but I'm sorry if you won't see us appearing in each other's videos anymore or any time soon.
I'm sorry we can't continue to be your weekly source of happiness but thank you for all the support you've shown over the last two years.
"Someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us the pain. We will finally realise that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and love all over again."
Till next time guys. xx