I feel miserable. I hate falling back into this state of misery. Everyday, I wake up feeling aimless in life, with no more goals, no more passion and all I look forward to is drinking over the weekends - At least it numbs the pain for several hours. What has my life turned into? I don't know, I'm lost. It's been awhile since I last felt this way and it hurts every time I close my eyes... I feel like giving up.
Just in case you were wondering, everything you read above was what I wrote about a month ago and I guess I've been a lot better lately.
I've already written a script for my next video which will kinda answer your questions to why I disappeared over the last 3 months, so I won't dwell too much on that in this post. I just needed this post to assure you that I'm not quitting and also, this is a glimpse of what the video is gonna be about.
Shit happens in life and often times, we didn't choose for it to happen and there are just way too many things which are not within our control. Falling in love isn't a choice, falling out isn't as well. You can't control if you suddenly meet someone you and think you'd spend the rest of your life with them and then realise after days, months or even years that he or she isn't the one for you.
Sometimes you just have to take a few risks, get hurt a couple of times, fall down and get back up just to know the right things to do.
I made a lot of mistakes but I'm proud to say that I don't live with much regrets, because I always tell myself that I'd rather try and fail than to give up midway not knowing what I could've gained or lost.
I miss writing, I miss sharing with you guys how I feel about the littlest things in life, but I worry too much - Too much on every slightest thing. What if my posts channel more negativity than positivity, whether my posts are good enough, whether this or that...
Then I gave it some thought and realised that it shouldn't be about how good I write nor how optimistic I am - It's about being who I am and staying true to you and myself.
I've been trying to find myself over the last 3 months and I lost some people in the making. There were so many moments I wanted to give up but I thought of how far I've come and decided that it's not worth it to give up now.
You guys are probably gonna witness some changes over the next few months and hopefully, these changes would eventually define the person I am.
I may not be the most flawless person you have ever come across, I don't take the perfect picture, I don't have a meticulously curated feed on Instagram, I may not be your wcw or so called goals, but I'm definitely not a quitter either.
As the hackneyed old saying goes, "Where there's a will, there's a way." I may not be "there" yet, but I believe if I want it bad enough, I will work my way towards it.
A month ago I was a few buttons away from closing down every social media platform I have and vanish for good, but here I am today updating this space. With that being said, I hope you won't give up on whatever you want so badly in your life as well. Good luck xx