Breaking point.

Dear diary, or in this case, blog,

I've tried so hard to be strong, but how strong can one stay when it seems like the whole world is against me, and I'm probably in this alone? How many times can one choose to ignore, when such awful remarks are thrown at me every single day?

My school holiday has just started not long ago, and I was extremely elated at the idea of it, cos I felt like it's one of my most well-deserved break. I've been working my ass off for the first 4 months since the start of the year, and honestly, I'd swear upon my life that it's definitely not easy to juggle both my career, and school life simultaneously.

And just when I thought that I could finally ease my mind off my hectic school life, the very next moment, it feels like I've stepped into living hell.

Every single day since the start of the month, I'd receive an average of 200 tweets/comments from my haters. Sure, it's nothing new. I've been exposed to social media since a really young age, and already had a handful of haters back then. However, I feel like people tend to neglect the fact that I'm still human after all. I still have feelings, I still cry and feel lonely, I still get hurt.

I'm aware that every time I choose to publicise something on the internet, I've to face the repercussions that follow. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have haters, because wherever there's love, there are bound to be hate, but I've never understood what have I ever done to deserve so much hate from people all around the country. 

Why does it feel like it's just me? Just me that everyone has to pick on every single day, and just me that everyone's against?

I'm just an eighteen year old, trying to scrape through the woes of my everyday life. Yes, eighteen. I'm still young, but that shouldn't be the reason why I can't have a say in the things I feel strongly for. So much that I've to be hated on for every single thing I do?

Have you ever hated school so much because you feel like you just can't fit in anywhere, and that no one likes you, so staying at home was the only way to make you feel safe? Well, in my case, it feels like I don't even feel secure at home.

Every morning, I wake up with new things these "innovators" come up with, things that I don't even know about myself.

Some say that I am strong, strong for being able to be survive until this day, despite the overwhelming number of people trying to bring me down. I won't deny that I get over things really quickly, and it isn't hard for me to get back up on my feet, because of the burning desire I have to succeed in whatever I'm doing.

I wouldn't blame you haters for your callous disregard for my feelings, because you don't even know me, but since you don't, why do you hate me so badly? So much that you can say things like, "I wish you disappeared from this world." 

What have I done to you? Nothing! Over the years, I'm pretty sure I've never done anything to hurt anyone, or at least, to any of the people who have such strong detestation towards me, in order to receive this in return.

I'm filled with bitter indignation at having to face all these undeserving abhorrence this society has against me.

I hardly confide in my friends whenever these problems arise, because I hate making my problems someone else's burden, but on days I do, because I really need to... I just get replies like, "Just ignore," "Cheer up" or sometimes, even short lectures. When all I really need is for someone to tell me that they know who I truly am, and to reassure me that they'll never be wavered by what my haters say. 

Yes, I strongly agree that all that the haters want, is to piss me off and to grab my attention, but as dumb as it is to give them what they want, it's really hard to ignore them as well. We all have our own limits.

I did mention that the haters don't matter, and yes, call me ironic or a walking contradiction, but to a certain extent, I DO FEEL IT. Unless you've been in my position before, you've no rights to tell me that I'm overreacting.

From hate comments, to hate accounts, to hate blogs/videos, and most recently, circulating an obnoxious image of a couple in bed. (which people are presuming the girl to be me.)

Quoting from Gossip Girl, "you're no one until you're talked about." Yeah, that seems rather comforting, since I'm probably the talk of the town at this moment.

Question is, do I enjoy it? NO.

But like I've said a zillion times, I wouldn't deny that I love attention, because that's the only way to survive in this industry. And to be successful, you've to be the person people never get sick of talking about. However, friends who know me should be aware that I hate unnecessary attention, so much that I'd take down anything I've posted even if it has garnered (example) a million likes or views. Of course, unless I have to post something which my job requires me to, for advertising/work purposes.

I've mentioned this before, and I'm not afraid to say it again, but I do edit my pictures. Not all the time, but I do. I don't get what's with hate accounts trying to "expose" me, when I already admitted it previously.

 Not because I'm extremely insecure about myself, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to look better, even if it's just on the internet, right?

You can say that I'm deceiving the whole world, but haven't you heard that half the things you see online, aren't true? Including the rumours about me that you try to fabricate?

Then again, there are a million people who photoshops their pictures, who don't even disclose that they do, SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO JUST TARGET ME?! Do I create that much of an impact in some of your lives, that I actually evoke such strong emotions within you people, to be worthy of that much of your time and effort?

Isn't it amazing? 

It does hurt me at times, but it goes away as soon as I realise how unworthy of my time these people are, but what bothers me is how unfairly treated I am. Yes, perhaps that's how some people feel towards me as well, that it's unfair how much attention I get even though I'm not the prettiest, hottest, most attractive girl in the country.

But isn't that the point? Sometimes, appearance alone isn't everything.

I've seen people going like, "She's only popular because of her looks, but she's not even that pretty to begin with, so why is she even known? I've seen better girls out there."

Well, fact is, if my physical appearance was really the reason why people know me, then I'm pretty sure I'd have long been replaced, considering the number of better-looking people there are.

Anyway, that's irrelevant. The point is, yeah I do have a choice. To put myself out there, or to just lead a normal life, but it's NOT my choice that people are giving me this attention, so if you say that I got myself into this, fine, but don't blame me for something that's not within my circle of control.

I know it may appear to some of you that I'm focusing too much on my haters, and that I don't appreciate the love I get from people... I do. Once in awhile, I get really sweet messages from my readers that touch my heart, and I've always wanted to meet them in real life to thank them personally if I ever had a chance. 

I really do appreciate them, and it's extremely heartwarming whenever I see some of them standing up for me, even though we're complete strangers. And you can tell because I only write such a post to my haters probably once a year or once every few years, however, I do make a constant effort to reply my readers as and when I could.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, there are times where I just wanna forgo my whole career I've built up so far over the past few years, but it's because of the people who love me that gives me the motivation to press on. The people who are inspired by the things I say and do, the people who love me for who I am. Obviously, the income I get plays a part as well, after all, it feels good to break free from the support of my parents. 

However, it gets so tiring. It never ends. Every time I think that there can't be anything worse, cos whatever's going on is already bad enough, that people are gonna get tired of talking... All of a sudden, something new pops up and creates an even bigger mess.

Most of us have haters, and it's absolutely normal, but even the strongest person have their weakest moment. It's just a matter of whether they choose to show it to the world, or not.

I believe, despite writing this, I'd still have a bunch of heartless creatures telling me that I'm just trying to earn the sympathy of majority or gain more attention. Nope, cos I don't need someone to tell me how pitiful I am now, and to feel sorry for me. Neither is this post all about wallowing in self-pity. I just need to get all these troubles off my chest. As simple as that.

So what if I do a good deed everyday? Does anyone care? Cos all I see now is society hating me for the most superficial things.

You can go on with the allegations. I've said what I wanted to, and if you still find the need to hate me for the hundred and one reasons you persuade yourself with, go ahead. I'm done.