You told me you miss the old me, but I feel that I'm still the person I used to be. Everyone said it's for the fame, only true friends would know I'm still the same.
I'm someone who does a lot of self reflection, too much that I sometimes wonder if I'm actually normal. Anyway, the point is, I take constructive comments to heart, especially from people who matter. I feel the need to live up to people's expectations and it's sucks, because there are always different people who prefer a different side of me.
And one of the easiest, and most misused phrase people use when you're not acting the way they expect of you?
Before I go on to the focus of today's post, here's something I'd like to share...
Many are clueless of how I really am in person, bcos they tend to have a fixed mindset that I'm the same person behind the screen/camera and in person. I understand that it's an ineluctable fact that,
it's normal, and it happens.
It's like how many people who I get to meet face to face, are usually quite different compared to how I pictured them to be, based on my first impression of them online.
Why's that so? Cos majority of us tend to express ourselves in a more forthright manner behind the computer. We perceive, that it's okay to say particular things (most commonly, distasteful remarks) to some people, obviously having the thought in mind that, the odds of ever bumping into them in real life is pretty low.
On the other hand, are public figures who feel like they've to put up a false front on the internet, due to the number of people who follow up on their lives, but honestly, they are all just human beings at the end of the day; and no matter how glamorous they are on screen, they have their human side.
In other words, we are more DARING, we shed our pretence, and act more hastily on most occasions, when we do or say something on the internet.
Take a moment and think about this for instance; which takes lesser courage and effort? Expressing your deepest feelings to someone you really love/hate via various means of technology, or saying it to their face? Personally, I think the second one's way easier.
That being said, I feel like I've split personalities at times, or should I say, we all have a dark side?
I'm not trying to convince you that I'm better in person, cos at the end of the day, there's only one me, and I still take control of whatever I do. What I'm asking is, do you think you really know me?
1) Becoming more liberal
Many said that I became so attention seeking, and that I'm no longer the sweet and innocent girl they knew me as, because of the revealing photos I post online these days.
a) I AM ATTENTION SEEKING, I won't deny it.
I've said this a million times, and I'll say it again - Passion can be one of the reasons, but enjoying the glory of what comes with fame is inevitable. I believe there isn't a single online personality who doesn't enjoy the attention they receive. Even so, I feel that there's nothing wrong with that, as long as at the end of the day you continue to stay true to yourself in whatever you do. If joking at the expense of someone else or hurting someone (for example) is your way of attaining your desired attention, then that's wrong.
As for the pictures I post online - I post them cos I genuinely like them. You know how sometimes you take a photo you really like, and even if you're not the best looking, fittest person on earth, you just wish to post it? Yes, that's exactly how I feel. As simple as that.
If I need to actually back up whatever I've just said, then as a matter of fact, I actually get more likes in photos where I'm not revealing anything than the ones I actually do. So, if you think that I'm showing skin just so I could garner more likes, your point is pretty much INVALID. And, if you think about it, 90% of the time, when I post such pictures, I get more negative comments than positive. Hence, there's no reason for me to do it just to get myself into a pile of shit right?
Anyway, as long as I like the picture, I really don't give a damn whether you like it or not, and I'd rather you unfollow me than to upset yourself. :D
I'd also like to mention that, I probably only take such photos once in a blue moon, so why the big hoo-ha every time I do so?
2) Yes I've changed, but for the better.
I used to rebel a lot in school, I defied my parents all the time, I lied a lot, I mixed with bad company, I partied a lot, I ran away from home, I had counselling for almost one entire year, I skipped classes, I broke a lot of my school rules and I was self-centred and rather narcissistic.
I was hell childish, impulsive and insensitive, but I actually used to care way more about how people looked at me, compared to today.
As I grow older, I took a lot of things more seriously, in terms of school, career and relationships. And I've also learnt to care a lot more about the people who truly care for me, like my parents.
In secondary school, I was always the top few... Yeah, from the back. My studies were like shit, and I showed no respect to the teachers in school, but I've changed.
I topped the class twice over the last two semesters in school, because I've devoted all my time into studying. I wanted to score really well so that, even though my parents could afford my school fees, I could receive a grant from my school so they wouldn't have to worry about me.
Which, I did.
Whenever I'm free, I'd probably spend my leisure time blogging to earn me extra cash, and probably post some pictures or videos once in awhile.
My life is that simple now. I hardly even do those things I used to do in the past anymore.
I don't mean to sound like I'm trying really hard to defend myself, but if you really knew me, then tell me how would I have changed for the worse? If becoming more open is what you people deem to be a BAD behaviour, when I'm not even doing drugs or committing any crime, then that's tragic. Instead of spending time telling me how I should put on more clothes, I believe there are more people out there who deserve such unconditional attention you could offer.
Don't hate me just cos I'm doing something out of YOUR comfort zone.
For example, many traditional people do not encourage premarital sex, but many are open to the idea. So just cos someone is more conservative, and doesn't feel comfortable with it, it doesn't mean that they've to despise and hate people who are. Vice versa.
Anyway, this leads on to my next point.
3) Don't say I'm not the same, if you never knew me.
Yes, I grew up, and if there's one bad thing I've changed about - Is that I don't care as much about how people look at me, compared to the past.
I used to reply all my haters, I used to get x10 more worked up, but I barely even entertain them now. Of course, I still care, but just not as much. If you think it's really easy, try being in my position for a day. Would you have been able to cope with all the hate if you were me? I receive an average of 50 hate comments a day, but I only write a post like this, to my haters probably once or twice a year.
Many of you think that I'm cocky, cos instead of taking the time to show love to the people who support me, I chose to focus on my haters. Rubbish, absolutely rubbish.
Firstly, unless I'm really busy that day and don't have the time to check my phone, I'd ALWAYS make the effort to reply my tweets and comments. C'mon, how many people actually do that? Even with 5 comments, some people find it a chore to reply, but I actually take the effort to reply more than 10 a day. And you say I'm stuck up?
I created an account, just so that people could talk to me if they needed someone to confide in, I have to squeeze time out just to do so, and you say that I don't care about my supporters?
I admit, 10 compliments can never impact me as much as one hate comment, and by writing this, I'm just giving my haters the attention they crave for, but despite how grateful and loved I feel from my supporters, I can never completely ignore the hate I receive.
You think it's easy, but unless you face the same shit I've been facing for the past 6 years, you won't tell me it's easy. COS IT'S TOUGH AS HELL TO IGNORE IT.
It's like I can tell a skinny person she's fat, and she may not believe it the first time, but if I say that to her everyday, I'm sure she'd start to wonder if she really is.
Let me explain why I tend to focus more on my hate comments instead of all the really sweet compliments.
I've never looked at myself and felt like I was as good as what my lovers think, and as appreciative as I am towards my readers, when someone tells me, "You're so gorgeous!" I really have no idea what to reply. Fact is, I don't think I am gorgeous but if I said that, people will start calling me insensitive for making these girls feel bad about themselves, or say that I'm trying to act humble. Hence, most of the time, I'd just thank them. On a side note, how many times can one actually write a "thank you post" before coming off as insincere? I'd rather prove it through my actions if I wish to show gratitude towards my supporters.
However, one hate comment would raise my hackles, cos I'm just so indignant at how some hate comments are just so irrelevant, rude and sometimes, stupid.
Person A: "Just saw Naomi Neo at XXX and she's so fucking ugly and short, doesn't even look like her photos! - Something like this doesn't piss me off at all, not cos I feel like I'm really good looking or anything, but everyone's entitled to their own opinion. And if you think I'm ugly, so be it.
Person B: "Naomi Neo's such a bimbo." This actually amuses me, cos half the time, the people who say something like this are usually people who are way dumber than I am, and I can't tell if it's an insult or not, cos being a bimbo would then mean that you actually think I'm pretty."
Person C: "You should probably die, bet your parents aren't proud of having you as well." THIS RILES ME UP. Not cos I actually believe in whatever this person says, but it's really rude and uncalled for. What if I was so affected and killed myself for this one comment cos of your callous disregard for someone else's feelings? Oh boy, I bet you'd wish you thought twice before saying something like this.
It came to a point where, whatever I do people just hate me. So instead of doing what I hate, and trying to please people... I'd rather do what I'm comfortable with. Is that wrong?
For example, I've started to voice out how I feel when I'm unhappy about something, but I would've never dared to do so 3 years ago. Thing is, if I don't stand up for myself, who would? I find the need to explain myself, bcos I hate being wrongly accused. Yes I've changed, and became more open about my views... What's wrong with that?
I've always been bullied and pushed around by the people around me, due to how submissive I used to be. I'd never say no, or reject people bcos I feel obligated to help them, and then they;d start pushing their luck and they'll make me do everything for them. I'd always allow others to say things about me and not retaliate even if what they said were all false accusations, cos I was afraid to speak up. Friends who did shit to me continued to hurt me over and over again, just cos I always forgive them.
And once I stop doing what I usually do, everyone tells me I've changed.
However, have you spared a moment to think about why I've actually changed and what changed me?
In the end, everyone around me continued to be happy, while I was just sick and tired of the life I was leading. The last two years were the toughest for me, I was really depressed most of the time... You don't have to be close to me to know how "emo" I was, I bet you could tell just by looking at the things I used to tweet. I felt like I had nobody to truly count on, I felt like people hated me, and friends secretly do as well.
It wasn't until this year, where some life-changing events took place, when someone special came into my life and made me realised there are actually a lot more things to stay positive about. I'm pretty pessimistic by nature, and small things can take a whole lot of me, but bcos of this person, I changed and became way happier than I was before.
Some love the change in me, especially my parents, cos they feel like I've matured a lot more, and have started to become more responsible in life. My plans and goals for the future are no longer fogged and I know what I want now. On the contrary, some hate this change cos they feel that I'm way too open, but I'd rather focus on the things that are worth focusing on.
If you don't like my change, I'm sorry but you might just have to just suck it up and deal with it, cos my purpose of existing is not to make you happy anyway.
And this is for you.