Just wanna start off by apologizing - As you can see, the title explains it all. Today's post wouldn't be about my 6th day here in Sydney, simply because the internet at Magenta sucks. BIG TIME. The pictures will take forever to load, so I'll save it for another day.
As of now, I just wanna write my heart out tonight, perhaps to compensate for the lack of words over the past few posts.
I've been spending days and months pondering over this issue, and it bothers me so much I thought I'd like to share.
I really hate it. I hate how appreciative people seem to be almost extinct.
I've spent way more time in my life self-reflecting instead of listing the number of reasons I should hate someone for.
Whenever I get mad or upset at someone, the next thing I know, I'm questioning if I should be blamed for the things that have gone wrong.
Even when I get mad at people, I blame myself for not controlling my temper well enough.
Sometimes I ask myself if I'm asking too much from people, but then again... How much is one willing to do for someone who gives the whole world to them?
I admit, I can be a total scumbag when it comes to relationships. It appears to me that I've problems showing gratitude to my boyfriend/date's (when I had one) kindness.
Well, I wasn't this way previously until I got hurt so badly several times. I came to a realization that you can't be too nice to those guys who are trying to court you. Period.
I've gotten over the "sweet, romantic" me. (I mean, I wouldn't say it's entirely gone, I just haven't found someone who's able to tear those walls down yet.)
I used to be the kind who writes pages of letters, make handmade gifts and shit like that until it hit me so hard that people hardly appreciate it.
Yes, they certainly have a way of acting like they do... What's next? They just dump it aside and allow those gifts to be covered in dust.
When I started working and had the capability to spend, I started spending on people I love. THEN AGAIN, who on earth appreciates it?!
It's like showing a blind man your piece of artwork you've painstakingly drawn.
I know I tweeted this a couple of hours ago, but in case you missed that out...
When I say that no one appreciates it, I'm not trying to say that I expect something in return. Like I don't need these people to buy me a gift, send me a million "thank you" messages or sort.
I just wish that when people say they appreciate what you did for them, they mean it, they don't take you for granfuckingted.
It's not at all difficult to tell whether someone's sincere or not, because words that mean something will have an impact on you.
I've already blatantly confessed my wrongdoings when it comes to a few guys, but that being said, I still feel that being nice to your suitors is a completely different matter.
Firstly, your responses/reactions will potentially lead them on if you don't make things clear, being nice might easily give them the wrong impression.
Secondly, majority of us love the chase. Admit it. Hence, there's no reason to give in too quickly. Like they say, "A girl who's easy to get, wouldn't be amazing, and an amazing girl, wouldn't be easy to get." If you can't wait, you probably don't deserve her.
That's my pov when it comes to dates. So I don't see why a girl should be exceptionally nice to any guy who's going after her unless she has intentions of taking things to another level.
Anyway, that's not the point. I'm talking about friends and family.
I feel like no matter how much I do sometimes, it's never enough. It's like after doing so much for some people, and whenever you guys get into a fight... All they remember is that one bad thing you did, and they completely erase all the good things you've done for them.
I try so hard to please everyone that I care for, so much that I'm so sick of it now. I've been ranting about how tired I am, but I have never done anything to it. Cos like I've mentioned earlier on, I'll always end up putting the blame back on myself.
And I hate being mean to people, cos I know how it feels like to be treated nastily.
I don't think I'm a nice person, I just think I've a huge problem saying "NO" to people and being firm about my decisions.
That's why everyone around me is taking me for granted. They naturally assume that I'd say yes when they ask me for favours, and they make mindless remarks like "you've changed," when I refuse to help them.
As much as I hate being unkind, cos it seems churlish to reject my "friends" when they need help, HOW MANY OF THEM EVEN TREATED ME LIKE THEIR FRIEND?
You call me your friend when you're in need of something, and when you don't? I hardly ever hear from these people for months and years.
You said I've changed, but are you even that close to me in the first place, to know who I really am?
I feel so trapped because I really have no idea what to do sometimes. It feels like being the good and bad guy makes me equally unhappy.
If there's one thing I'd like to change about us humans, it'd be to make us all a little more appreciative of the people who truly care for us.
We whine and complain that we've no one, but half the time we're just being selective of who we want to be cared by. There are people who really wish to be there, but we're just total douchebags to treat them like dirt.
I wish I could do something about this...