I ain't certain how majority of the people who don't know me actually view me, but I'm pretty sure many have this misconception that I lead a glamorous, problem-free life filled with
from being who I am. The truth is? I'm alone most of the time, and I'm here today to tell you that
it's okay to be alone.
It may probably come as a surprise to some of you, but in contrary to what most people perceive, I don't really have many friends in school.
I usually get hated before I'm even known. Why do I say so? If a normal person decides not to take the initiative to socialise around and speak to people, everyone will probably think it's fine, and they are just shy. However, when I don't? I'm deemed to be stuck up and hostile. Condemned immediately, just bcos of my "social status."
Then again, hardly anyone approaches me bcos they are either the ones who condemned me, or they feel that they are "not good enough" to. Hence, as much as possible, I'd always avoid talking about my social-life to prevent unwanted attention.
I used to get really affected over the fact that I don't have many friends to call my own, so much that I hated being who I am cos no one's able to treat me normally even though that's all that I ask for. Just so you know, I used to suffer from social anxiety during senior year in Secondary school; in other words, I was afraid to have any social interaction with anyone, concerned about being judged or evaluated by others.
It is typically characterised by an intense fear of what others are thinking about me (specifically fear of embarrassment, criticism, or rejection), which results in the individual feeling insecure, not good enough for other people, and/or the assumption that peers will automatically reject them - as quoted from Wiki.
Until today, I still have that fear once in awhile, but I'm slowly "recuperating," and still learning how to step out of my comfort zone to interact with people.
I had a best friend who was in the same class as me for the first two years of Secondary school, who later on distant from me when we were parted during "streaming" year. I felt pretty lonely most of the time during year 3 and 4. Reason being, my best friend was in another class, and most of the people in class already formed their own cliques or had a familiar partner.
Of course, I had friends, in and out of class, but it never felt right. It was really tough to establish a good rapport with anyone.
I remember once when I was in Sec 3, while P.E lesson was conducted, we were all instructed to get into pairs, and as everyone hastily approached their partners, I glanced swiftly across the class to look for my only friend, who was also my sitting-partner in class, whom I thought would've teamed up with me, but she didn't.
I was puzzled at that moment, but more importantly, I realised I was alone. I felt my heart throb so loud as if it was in my ear, tears welled up in my eyes, but I tried to keep it cool. That feeling was unforgettable.
Another time during a school excursion - Normally, everyone including myself would feel excited; to me, being able to sit with my friends in the bus was one of the best things about having to go on a field trip, but it wasn't until I was left alone
I went to refill my water-bottle when everyone boarded the bus, and I was hoping my partner would've left a seat for me. To my dismay, all I saw when I went up the bus were wide smiles and faces that told me I was forgotten. Seat right next to my friend? Taken up. The only vacant seats left were the ones right in front. Even my teachers in-charge joined in the fun behind.
I shut my eyes in anguish, as tears rolled down my cheeks.
I hated being in school.
In Sec 4, I finally had a few girl friends who included me in their group, and they were the best people I've ever met. Not only did I feel like I existed, but I was glad to have finally found a reason to look forward to school. However, I wouldn't deny I still felt like an extra at times bcos they already have their own "inside jokes." After all, they had a bond built over years and the last thing I wanted was to be sympathised.
Well, that was pretty much it, I'd head straight home most of the time when class ends, and just dwell on how shitty my life was at that time.
I'm sure many would be able to comprehend and relate to me when I say it's not really difficult to find friends, but true friends are hard to come by. It's not easy to find friends who wouldn't judge and will never make you feel alone when you're with them.
You know how it feels to walk with a bunch of people, but no one ever notices you're straying behind? Or try speaking, in futile attempt to join in a conversation, but half the time everyone just ignores the things you say and make you feel really left out? Scroll through your contact list and realised you've no one to call when you're in need of help? I've been through these phases, and used to cry under my sheets at night when they happen, but I've gotten over it.
It still happens even today, but so what? Some people may stay in your life, but you won't even see most of them after you graduate. If you still stay in touch with your friends from Kindergarten or Primary school, good for you, but I believe majority hardly even remember any of their childhood friends' names.
I go to school now with the mindset that my studies are my priority, and whether I make friends or not, it doesn't really matter. If I do, it's a bonus. If I don't, life goes on.
you were happier, can actually be used to do things that will
your life better.
Yes, part of attending school is to make friends and it sure as hell sucks when you're being ostracised and have no one to turn to... But at the end of the day, as you grow older, you'd realise there are actually a lot more things more important than the people who don't give a shit about you. I'm not saying that making friends isn't essential, cos it is pretty important as it determines how your life in school would be, but unless you're a bitch and have serious issues, like if there's a legit reason why people hate you, I don't see how anyone would have difficulties making friends. And even if you don't now, you would someday. I promise.
Each year, it occurs to me that I lose more and more friends, but the ones left are the ones who are really worth keeping.
All I can say is that it's just something we all have to go through in life, and as much as you wanna avoid it, you can't. It's really okay to be alone, at least you don't have to worry about losing people and fear getting hurt, right? Hahaha. That's how I see it. It still bothers me every now and then that I don't have many friends like how some kids in school do, cos they seem really happy, but keyword?
Having many friends doesn't decide the fate of your life. What's the point of having so many friends, if you can't even find one true friend? I've seen many people who are this way.
It's also okay to be alone, cos being alone makes you think, makes you wonder, makes you learn and makes you appreciate.
Anyway, since this is post is something school-related, hope this video @thejianhaotan has just uploaded, would ease up your Sunday night!