Untitled.

This isn't the first time I'm actually feeling this down, but it sucks because everything took place over Christmas eve and the actual day itself. I hardly share much about my personal issues online, but I feel desperately in need to share how I feel right now.

I always remind myself that true friends are hard to come by, and especially with my social status... I'm more than grateful to those who are still with me until today. What's the point of having five thousand friends on Facebook, when I probably can't even name 5 people who I could confidently call my true friends.

Disclaimer - As much as I think I'm really pathetic, I'm not writing this in exchange for any of your sympathy, but I honestly can't think of anyone to speak to at the moment... After all, it's Christmas, I'm pretty sure no one would wanna spend this joyous day listening to my rants.

Besides, I hate sharing with people just cos I hate it when they feel obligated to listen. I hate being a burden.

I would never dare to title myself as "the greatest friend" anyone could ever have, but I'd blatantly claim to be when it comes to you.

Sometimes, I ask myself... How forgiving could one ever be? I've no idea who could've accepted you for the things you've done, the same way I did for the past couple of years.

I'm not here to act all magnanimous, neither am I writing this make you feel bad, so I think there isn't a need to talk about the things that happened in depth.

The only thing I have in mind right now is the question, "why?"

I don't understand, why am I still here until today.

Time and again, I convince myself that you've been a really good friend just because you will try your best to be there when I need someone to talk to, and that you're still here despite my status. 

It's not my intentions to weigh it all out, but this time I got slapped in the face by the cold, hard truth... Maybe anyone could be there when I need someone to talk to, so after all, what's so special about us?

For years, I hear people like you telling me the same old line, "You mean so much to me, I can't afford to lose you." Oh, really?

What have you done out of utmost sincerity, to make me stay? Do I really mean that much to you, or are you just saying it for the sake of patronising me?

I always tell myself that maybe I'm expecting too much from some people, maybe I'm putting my own standards of how a "good friend" should be, on them. 

It's like, I know if it was me, I would do this and that for them, but when they don't... I feel disappointed.

Then again, I don't really think I'm expecting a lot from you. After all the things I've done for you, I've never asked you for anything than a little time and commitment.

I've never mind the fact that you had to share your time between me and your other friends, I'm cool that you can never be able to give me your undivided attention...

But even when you're with me, it feels like you're only physically around, your mind and soul's wandering off.

The worst part is, I've kept mum about it for so long, but this time round... It was my breaking point.

I love you so much that I'd never wanna put you in a position where you'd have suffer the pain of having to pick one out of the both of us, but in my head, it feels like I already have an answer.

I'm not exactly assuming, cos you've proven me right countlessly.

We're so over that phase, there's no need to go all "unfriend you" and shit, but I've came to a point where... I'm starting to question if leaving would make me happier.

I've never wanted to, and I've perpetually told myself to stay bcos of those few reasons, when I probably have a million more on why I should leave.

I'm the kind who'd rather stick with the same old person for years than to find someone new and start all over again, I'm really afraid it might've reached a point where you're irreplaceable.

I don't need your apology. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but this is how I truly feel.

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Sometimes, we choose to stay just cos we're so afraid we can't find someone else like that particular person, even though it's killing us alive. However, maybe it's only when you leave, where you realise how much better your life could actually be without them, and be able to find the real you back, just cos you kept trying to change yourself while you're with them.

I'm sorry I don't have many friends, I'm sorry that's why I get easily attached to people I'm close with even though I try my best not to, I'm sorry that's when I'll start to give you my best and hope you'd stay for good, I'm sorry I can't accept it when people I love leave, I'm sorry if I'm not good enough even after all that I've done.

You know, the worst part of feeling upset is perhaps wondering if the other party bothers as much as you do.

This is so devastating.

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Anyway, from this, you guys can probably conclude that I didn't have a really good Christmas, and therefore have no pictures to share.

I really hope all of you enjoyed yourself though. Love.

P/s I'm talking about two friends here, one in particular... In case it sounded like I was talking about a guy I'm dating or sort.