I've been there. On the spur of the moment, you just need a way to vent all your pain and frustration. You can't help it, it feels like your body's taking control over you. You don't feel like talking to anyone, even though you might have already been flooded by 10 over "are you okay?" or "what happened?!" on your cell... Worse? None at all...
For that split second, the only thing that comes to your mind is to hurt yourself. You can't care less about anything else; the circumstances or whatsoever... all you could think of is to do whatever it takes to ease the pain. Even if it's temporary.
You feel like those little slashes that are about to go on your wrist or any other parts of your body, or doing anything to torture yourself would be nothing compared to the agony you're already suffering from mentally.
Suicidal thoughts? I can't empathise more. Perhaps hurting yourself isn't the best solution to solve whatever you're dealing with; you've been struggling over the past few seconds, hoping to find at least one reason to live on... But you just can't.
The pain that penetrates through your skin doesn't hurt at all. You wish to sleep forever. You've come to a realisation how much reality sucks, and to experience darkness by ending your life seems like a better way than to have to continue living in this inhumane society.
It might not be the end of the world, but it feels like it, in "your world."
Disclaimer: I'm not writing this based on how I think these people who self-harm might feel, I'm writing it based on my personal experience.
I've never thought I'd be writing a post like this, because I never wanted to rake up my past. I'm not proud of it, neither have I ever had the courage to talk in depth about it.
I know most of you think that half, or all my posts are just total bull; like I don't even understand what you've been through and I shouldn't act like I actually do.
But you're utterly wrong, cos I've never been more honest than this. Every single line and word, I write them with utmost genuineness in reflection to how I truly feel.
I don't make them up, and pretend to feel what I don't... I don't really care if a handful of you are already doubting me since the beginning of this post, but this is what I've to share.
I'm aware of how people can fabricate stories about their lives, but think about it... I don't gain much from forking out time just to share something like this. Sometimes, I still have to suffer from a backlash because of how certain posts don't connect to particular groups of people.
I don't remember having any friends who are more emotional than I was in sec school. I'd probably top the charts in all the classes I was in, if they actually recorded the number of times each student cried annually.
I didn't just cry because I was bored, or because I'm a "cry baby." I just had a lot of bad experiences over the years.
And when I say "bad," I don't mean that a natural disaster had fallen upon our country during those times nor some real big crisis, it's just personal issues.
I wouldn't dare claim they were issues that mostly concerned life-and-death, but I'm pretty sure those were things not everyone at that age, had to deal with.
I know some may say that these personal problems are really trivial compared to how people of other countries have to scrape through their daily lives, because of all the catastrophes escalating over the years in their homeland.
I'm aware that all the friendship and BGR problems, failing a test, losing sleep... Is just part and parcel of every human's life.
Some of you think that people like me should just stfu, because our minor issues are nothing.
My question to you is, what if something minor to you, isn't minor in someone else's eyes?
And even if you've experienced what they are going through, I still don't think you're entitled to judge on their behalf, whether or not something's important.
Because the fact is, you're NOT them. To you, it might be insignificant... To someone else, it might mean the world. You might be strong, but it's not their fault for being vulnerable.
Yeah, we have the right to speak our mind, but it isn't right to assume how others feel just because you think you're right. Point made. Moving on.
It might come as a shock to some of you, but I've actually self-harmed before, back when I was around the age of 11 to early 15. Slashing my wrist wasn't something I thought was cool even though people at that time, might have felt like it was. It was my way of expressing my unhappiness.
It's nothing extremely serious, but I was really overwhelmed with problems at that point.
But as time passes, what's left behind are only scars - All the mental wounds have healed, but there's nothing I can do about these ugly scars.
Thankfully, they weren't that deep nor huge, otherwise they'd be pretty noticeable taking into consideration the number of times I did that.
But what about those of you who actually hurt yourself far worse than I did?
And don't forget, you're not only scarring yourself, but you're also scarring people who actually do care about you.
My parents, my friends, even teachers and counsellors were involved - So after all I wouldn't claim to be the most miserable person on earth because I know I'm still considered fortunate to have people around who care for me. Especially my parents. And never have I felt more thankful that they were around.
I know some of you think that no one cares, or that people shouldn't care cos it's your body. But think about your parents who brought you to this world, your flesh belongs to them.
And I'm really sorry for those of you whose parents are no longer around, or are around, but couldn't be bothered.
I just want you to know that, you've me. I care. Even if no one does, I do. I know it sounds ridiculous, cos I might not even know you... But if I had a chance to get to know any of you who face this problem, I certainly would.
& I wish I could.
I'm not trying to sound magnanimous here, I just sincerely wish I had the ability to stop people from hurting themselves just because they feel like no one could comprehend their pain. And please don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to say that I know it all, and that I understand exactly how all these people feel.
I'm just saying that there are definitely way more alternatives besides hurting yourself when you want to vent your anger.
Personally, I do boxing, and whenever I'm mad... The punching bag becomes my best friend. Another way? I rant by writing all my thoughts down - be it whether I type or write it. These two are my favourite ways to cool myself down.
There are so many ways! Screaming against the pillow, listening to your favourite music (not those emo and suicidal ones of course), going out for a walk, talking to someone if you're comfortable with it, eating... I could easily list a hundred ways here, but at the end of the day... It's still your call.
There are probably three kinds of people reading this post now.
1) Victims who found this useful.
2) Victims who think that this post doesn't help them in any way at all.
3) People who think that I'm writing a bunch of nonsense.
I'm gonna ignore the third one and say - I'm just here, trying to help those of you who wish to listen. If you don't help yourself, no one could.
Nothing's unresolvable, despite whatever the situation is. I can't promise there will always be an easy way out, but I can promise it will all get better in time.
If it makes you feel better, even natural disasters subside eventually.
Knowing how some of you actually do nasty things to yourself just breaks my heart. Making a decision on impulse could easily cause a lifetime of regret.
I'm not writing this post to discriminate any of you, or to reopen old wounds. I definitely wish that isn't the case.
Words have the ability to save someone, and they have the ability to kill someone too.
Why can't we be a little kinder or compassionate sometimes? All these self-harming wouldn't have happened if we were to be a little more selfless.
We are all human at the end of the day, we all have feelings.
Hating, hurting them physically/mentally, yet calling them attention-seekers when you're actually the one driving them to the brink.
Think about it. Is that fair?
And at the end of the day, like I said before, we all love attention. It's just that everyone has a different approach on how they attain it.
We all want attention at some point of our lives, it's just the things you do to get it that matters.
I know how some people can be such an eyesore, but you can always keep those comments to yourself or your circle of friends even if you wish to say something. There's no need to hurt them directly.
Hate less. Love more. You might save a life.