I may look happy, but that's only what you see.
It's 2.50 am now and yea I'm still wide awake. I haven't spoke about how I felt nor write a relatively long entry for quite awhile and I don't usually express how I feel in this manner but... I don't know who to confide in this time... So I'm just gonna pour out all my shit here.
I've been extremely stressed and devastated lately because I'm receiving so much pressure from everyone and I feel like I'm being pulled in all directions...
I guess partially it probably started off all because of the fact that I just lost someone really important to me lately and nothing seems to go in my way since then. The worst part is, all these feelings that I've been bottling up, I can never express it to anyone as no one will ever understand.
Even if they do, they'd just tell me all sorts of annoying advices which I'm already sick and tired of listening to.
I could in the past, to you. But after since you walked out of my life, I felt so lost. I felt like I've lost my pillar of strength and support.
And two of the things that really hurts... First is when no one realizes that behind those smiles you hang on your face, you're actually tearing apart deep inside and the second is when the person you're hurting so much for, doesn't even give a flying f*ck about the situation.
No, I'm not complaining about how much life sucks. I just feel like I've already hit rock bottom so many times... And they said that's when a rebound will occur and life would be better. But it never seems to me that it will ever happen. At least not now or anytime soon.
And when I say I've no one, I don't literally mean that I've no one who cares for me. Obviously I know there are still people out there who will always be willing to be there for me... But what I want most is for those people I care for, to reciprocate.
It sucks when you're putting in an endless amount of effort on people who don't even know how to appreciate you. Sometimes it just feels like I'm showing a nicely drawn piece of artwork to a blindman.
Everyone thinks that having thousands and millions of subscribers or followers are such a big deal and they'd do anything to gain them.
Yes, obviously I understand where that thrill is coming from. However, if I had to make a choice between having a few true friends and a thousand of people online who I barely even know and not forgetting their motives behind speaking to me... and if they had any hidden agendas.
I will definitely choose the first, having a few true friends.
Just like money, when it comes to fame... The more you have it, the more you'd have to fear about everything and everyone around you and soon, you'd find yourself becoming really skeptical towards everything.
Because you'd start to realize that most of the people who approach you, have really bad intentions. It certainly doesn't feel good at all.
This year marks the year which I've lost the most friends.
So many friends who I barely speak to in the past or even those who discriminated me, who think I'm never gonna fit in their league, suddenly appear out of the blue and started conversations with me again...
What sucks most is when you're only remembered, like you finally existed, only when they need a favour.
And one really bad habit that I possess is, I have a difficulty in rejecting people because I care a lot about how they'd feel. Hence, even if it's gonna be a pain in the ass to do certain things for them, I'd just swallow it down cos I feel obliged to.
And it sucks, because everyone takes for granted of it.
I feel like a fool sometimes, I don't think I'm nice. I just think I never had the courage to voice out how I feel and I don't think I ever will.
I hate being emotional, but can I help it? I can't. Especially when no one's there to listen and the only place you could at least lash it all out is probably on twitter? But neither can I anymore cos everyone judges the hell out of me there.
Alright, I'm not gonna talk a whole load of crap on what I just mentioned in the last paragraph.
To keep myself all happy, I've been trying to avoid how I really feel and the problems that are causing a huge hindrance to my life now... But I know there will be a time where I'd be forced to face and deal with them.
Even though people say that we just gotta move on, sometimes it's still easier said than done...
Everyone talks about how easy it is to do this and that when they've never even been in your shoes before. Sometimes I just feel like getting it straight thru their head, "YOU ARE NOT ME, it's not easy!"
I just miss how life was back then when everything was just so simple.
I just wanna be happy. Dear September, please let me be.
Pictures taken over the past few weeks/days.
P/s, I miss you so badly. I wish you knew.