Breaking point.

Dear diary, or in this case, blog,

I've tried so hard to be strong, but how strong can one stay when it seems like the whole world is against me, and I'm probably in this alone? How many times can one choose to ignore, when such awful remarks are thrown at me every single day?

My school holiday has just started not long ago, and I was extremely elated at the idea of it, cos I felt like it's one of my most well-deserved break. I've been working my ass off for the first 4 months since the start of the year, and honestly, I'd swear upon my life that it's definitely not easy to juggle both my career, and school life simultaneously.

And just when I thought that I could finally ease my mind off my hectic school life, the very next moment, it feels like I've stepped into living hell.

Every single day since the start of the month, I'd receive an average of 200 tweets/comments from my haters. Sure, it's nothing new. I've been exposed to social media since a really young age, and already had a handful of haters back then. However, I feel like people tend to neglect the fact that I'm still human after all. I still have feelings, I still cry and feel lonely, I still get hurt.

I'm aware that every time I choose to publicise something on the internet, I've to face the repercussions that follow. I'm not saying that I shouldn't have haters, because wherever there's love, there are bound to be hate, but I've never understood what have I ever done to deserve so much hate from people all around the country. 

Why does it feel like it's just me? Just me that everyone has to pick on every single day, and just me that everyone's against?

I'm just an eighteen year old, trying to scrape through the woes of my everyday life. Yes, eighteen. I'm still young, but that shouldn't be the reason why I can't have a say in the things I feel strongly for. So much that I've to be hated on for every single thing I do?

Have you ever hated school so much because you feel like you just can't fit in anywhere, and that no one likes you, so staying at home was the only way to make you feel safe? Well, in my case, it feels like I don't even feel secure at home.

Every morning, I wake up with new things these "innovators" come up with, things that I don't even know about myself.

Some say that I am strong, strong for being able to be survive until this day, despite the overwhelming number of people trying to bring me down. I won't deny that I get over things really quickly, and it isn't hard for me to get back up on my feet, because of the burning desire I have to succeed in whatever I'm doing.

I wouldn't blame you haters for your callous disregard for my feelings, because you don't even know me, but since you don't, why do you hate me so badly? So much that you can say things like, "I wish you disappeared from this world." 

What have I done to you? Nothing! Over the years, I'm pretty sure I've never done anything to hurt anyone, or at least, to any of the people who have such strong detestation towards me, in order to receive this in return.

I'm filled with bitter indignation at having to face all these undeserving abhorrence this society has against me.

I hardly confide in my friends whenever these problems arise, because I hate making my problems someone else's burden, but on days I do, because I really need to... I just get replies like, "Just ignore," "Cheer up" or sometimes, even short lectures. When all I really need is for someone to tell me that they know who I truly am, and to reassure me that they'll never be wavered by what my haters say. 

Yes, I strongly agree that all that the haters want, is to piss me off and to grab my attention, but as dumb as it is to give them what they want, it's really hard to ignore them as well. We all have our own limits.

I did mention that the haters don't matter, and yes, call me ironic or a walking contradiction, but to a certain extent, I DO FEEL IT. Unless you've been in my position before, you've no rights to tell me that I'm overreacting.

From hate comments, to hate accounts, to hate blogs/videos, and most recently, circulating an obnoxious image of a couple in bed. (which people are presuming the girl to be me.)

Quoting from Gossip Girl, "you're no one until you're talked about." Yeah, that seems rather comforting, since I'm probably the talk of the town at this moment.

Question is, do I enjoy it? NO.

But like I've said a zillion times, I wouldn't deny that I love attention, because that's the only way to survive in this industry. And to be successful, you've to be the person people never get sick of talking about. However, friends who know me should be aware that I hate unnecessary attention, so much that I'd take down anything I've posted even if it has garnered (example) a million likes or views. Of course, unless I have to post something which my job requires me to, for advertising/work purposes.

I've mentioned this before, and I'm not afraid to say it again, but I do edit my pictures. Not all the time, but I do. I don't get what's with hate accounts trying to "expose" me, when I already admitted it previously.

 Not because I'm extremely insecure about myself, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to look better, even if it's just on the internet, right?

You can say that I'm deceiving the whole world, but haven't you heard that half the things you see online, aren't true? Including the rumours about me that you try to fabricate?

Then again, there are a million people who photoshops their pictures, who don't even disclose that they do, SO WHY DO YOU HAVE TO JUST TARGET ME?! Do I create that much of an impact in some of your lives, that I actually evoke such strong emotions within you people, to be worthy of that much of your time and effort?

Isn't it amazing? 

It does hurt me at times, but it goes away as soon as I realise how unworthy of my time these people are, but what bothers me is how unfairly treated I am. Yes, perhaps that's how some people feel towards me as well, that it's unfair how much attention I get even though I'm not the prettiest, hottest, most attractive girl in the country.

But isn't that the point? Sometimes, appearance alone isn't everything.

I've seen people going like, "She's only popular because of her looks, but she's not even that pretty to begin with, so why is she even known? I've seen better girls out there."

Well, fact is, if my physical appearance was really the reason why people know me, then I'm pretty sure I'd have long been replaced, considering the number of better-looking people there are.

Anyway, that's irrelevant. The point is, yeah I do have a choice. To put myself out there, or to just lead a normal life, but it's NOT my choice that people are giving me this attention, so if you say that I got myself into this, fine, but don't blame me for something that's not within my circle of control.

I know it may appear to some of you that I'm focusing too much on my haters, and that I don't appreciate the love I get from people... I do. Once in awhile, I get really sweet messages from my readers that touch my heart, and I've always wanted to meet them in real life to thank them personally if I ever had a chance. 

I really do appreciate them, and it's extremely heartwarming whenever I see some of them standing up for me, even though we're complete strangers. And you can tell because I only write such a post to my haters probably once a year or once every few years, however, I do make a constant effort to reply my readers as and when I could.

Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, there are times where I just wanna forgo my whole career I've built up so far over the past few years, but it's because of the people who love me that gives me the motivation to press on. The people who are inspired by the things I say and do, the people who love me for who I am. Obviously, the income I get plays a part as well, after all, it feels good to break free from the support of my parents. 

However, it gets so tiring. It never ends. Every time I think that there can't be anything worse, cos whatever's going on is already bad enough, that people are gonna get tired of talking... All of a sudden, something new pops up and creates an even bigger mess.

Most of us have haters, and it's absolutely normal, but even the strongest person have their weakest moment. It's just a matter of whether they choose to show it to the world, or not.

I believe, despite writing this, I'd still have a bunch of heartless creatures telling me that I'm just trying to earn the sympathy of majority or gain more attention. Nope, cos I don't need someone to tell me how pitiful I am now, and to feel sorry for me. Neither is this post all about wallowing in self-pity. I just need to get all these troubles off my chest. As simple as that.

So what if I do a good deed everyday? Does anyone care? Cos all I see now is society hating me for the most superficial things.

You can go on with the allegations. I've said what I wanted to, and if you still find the need to hate me for the hundred and one reasons you persuade yourself with, go ahead. I'm done.

Long or short hair?

So many of you have been asking me lately...

"DIDN'T YOU CUT YOUR HAIR?!"

And to finally answer this questions, yes I did. Haha.

For those of you who aren't aware, I posted this picture on Instagram about three weeks ago.

As you can see, I mentioned that I snipped off more than half of my hair. However, it became long again the following day. Thought it was kinda funny to confuse you guys so I didn't explain why :p Haha, kidding. It was mainly because I was out almost everyday since my school hols started, and haven't been able to find the time to talk about this and I thought I give it a few weeks before I see how my hair would turn out to be!

Most of you should know by now, I dyed my hair really often last year. And yes, no matter how healthy someone's hair is, it'll eventually cause breakage and severe damages to your hair. By the time you realise, you'd probably have to shave it all off! Boo hoo. Protect your hair guys, you don't wanna end up regretting like how I did.

Here are some pictures of my freshly cut hair by @Jaime, my hairstylist at Salon Vim, Bugis.

So anyway, the 3 reasons why I decided to cut my hair off (Fun fact: I've never had short hair before, besides when I was a kid):

1) In hope that my healthy hair would eventually grow out again.

2) I really miss having super long hair, and because I had blue ends previously, I had to cut them off in order to... EXTEND IT.

3) YOLO if that's how you use it.

Hence, right after my haircut, I went over to Milly's at Far East Plaza to put on hair extensions! 

Just to provide a little more information on their hair extension services... They've a variety of extensions to choose from, in terms of colours, texture and style. I like how they even come in ombre-colours! That would be great in case you'd wish to experiment something new. If you're really new to these fun colours, and aren't comfortable with dyeing your hair, you might wanna try on their clip-on extensions!

Milly's offers 100% real human hair with quality and volume. Cost $100 Dollars for the first 200 Strands, and subsequently $1 per strand.

Figure out whether you're there to extend the length of your hair, add some volume, or to play around with some colours, and you can start off by picking the kind of hair (straight/curly) and colour of your own preference. (If you're uncertain, they'll assist you and pick one that best suits/blends with your hair.)

I allowed them to decide on the colour on my behalf. And since my hair had several tones to it, varying from light to dark brown and a little tinge red, they picked three similar colours to ensure that they look as close to my natural hair as possible since I'm not really familiar.

Since my hair's pretty thick, I guess I had more than 400 strands on and everything was done within 3-4 hours. They'd help you trim it to your desired length if they end up too long as well. 

I must say... I love the end results! 

Is it recommended?

I first tried on hair extensions when I was 12. (Haha yeah I was already god damn vain since young.) Therefore, it's not much of an issue nor hassle for me. It does feel slightly uncomfortable initially, especially cos I've tons of it on, but it's fine if it's just a couple of strands. You'd most likely get used to them within a week or less when they start loosening up a little, after a few washes.

Washes? Yeah, you can definitely still wash your hair as per normal.

Perks of Milly's hair extensions:

1) Unlike many fake extensions where the hair's made of nylon or other weird, shiny material, Milly's uses 100% real human hair. Hence, you can still straighten/curl and dye it.

2) Another perk is that even though it's the 3rd week now, all the strands are still intact, and I've yet to witness much of a hair loss. They can actually last up to 6 months or slightly more if you are to take good care of them!

3) They still remain as soft and smooth as when I first had them on, hence, extremely manageable.

Cons:

1) So far, I'm really satisfied with everything on the whole. The only problem I face is that, my hair does itch up once in awhile. Which, I completely understand, is inevitable, because I've so many strands of fake hair on. However, it can be solved by washing it. It's fine right after I shower.

2) It might be a bit of a problem if you happen to do like... E.g 250 strands, cos then it'd cost $150. However, $200 if you were to do 400 strands instead. So that's highly dependent on what each individual prefers and the thickness of one's hair as well.

3) The knots where the extensions are attached to your hair, might be a little difficult to hide when you wish to tie your hair. Of course, again, that's if you have as many strands as I do. A solution would be to get the clip-on ones instead, and you can still go back to your original hair length on days you feel bored!

I'd definitely do it again, because I just love having long, luscious hair and honestly speaking, the cons to me are really minor problems that I could easily resolve, so I'd also recommend you guys to try!

If you already have long/thick hair, play around with some colours! You can always have them removed if you dislike them.

Alright, that's about it! Here are some pictures of my hair :) Taken 2 weeks after extending.

I bet you could hardly tell it's fake!!! Hehe :p 

Book an apt now at 6737 6723 / 8383 5395 (FEP) 11am - 10pm

6338 4137 (Bugis Village) 12pm - 10pm

(Mon - Sun) (Inclusive of Public Holidays)

OR email them at Ask@millys.org today!

Thank you mom.

It's really funny how in the past, the both of us could hardly see eye to eye on so many things, and it was almost impossible to watch a day go by without us fighting till our last gasp. I find it amazing how forbearing and altruistic of a person you are, especially when it comes to me. Despite the number of times I broke your heart, you continued to endure all the pain and sufferings with great fortitude. I'm only here today because you've never given up on me, a choice you could've easily chosen to lessen the weight of the world you bore on your shoulders. I thank you for that.

-

I believe I've mentioned this somewhere in one of my earlier posts, that I used to be a little boy-crazy in the past, and every guy I dated meant the WORLD to me. Yeah, it sounds rather imbecile, especially with my age back then. And despite how much my parents objected, I'd continue to rebel and stick with whichever guy at that time. Just thinking of the number of times I hurt my mom, it literally overwhelms my soul with guilt. It's hard to believe that, for that one guy who treated me like trash, and also disregarded my parents, he's actually the person I gave everything up for... Including my perfect family. That was when I first witnessed my mom shedding tears for the mistakes I've done, however, I didn't change. It took me 4 years to realise something, the unconditional love my mom has towards me.

It wasn't until my last relationship, where I got my heart so shattered, where I lied on the floor crying for three, good hours. My mom stood there and watched me, and what took me by surprise was, as she saw how broken I was, tears started welling up in her eyes as well.

The weeks that followed were the toughest period of my life. I woke up and slept crying, and my mom was there for me. She was the only one who was there. I'd text her at ungodly hours and no matter how tired she was, or whether she had work the next day... She'll drag herself out of bed, come to my bedroom just to listen to me, advise me with patience and wipe my tears off my face.

I finally realised that she was the only one who genuinely cared when everyone around was just concerned about what happened.

That's when everything changed, and that's how she became like my best friend.

-

This coming Mother's Day leaves me with a heavy heart. My grandmother, who's been around for close to a century, has recently been admitted to the ICU department during the time when I was having my examinations. I was hardly there for my mom when she was struggling and needed me, for I was so busy dealing with my studies. My conscience bit me, but I told myself that I should work extra hard so that my parents would be able to retire early and lead a better life, with less worries.

It was such a painful sight to watch her cry to me, and what's worse was that there was nothing I could do to help.

The condition of my grandmother has been pretty unstable, and I know my mom's been caught between the decision to let her go, or to just hang on to that hope that things will get better.

This made me reflect a lot, and has also made me realise how much I'm afraid to lose my mom.

You never know when someone's gonna walk out of your life.

Remembering the times I've spent arguing with her, going against her, and driving her nuts... I wish I actually used those time to learn my mistakes, listen to her needs and to be a better daughter instead.

We've all found our mothers annoying at some point of our lives before, but we'd probably miss their presence if they are no longer around.

 Time lost, can never be regained. Always remember that as you're growing older, she's actually ageing too.

You don't have to wait till Mother's Day to be that filial child, no matter how much you dislike your mom at times, bear in mind that you wouldn't have been around if it wasn't for her. Don't allow that 9 months of pain to go in vain.

I hope grandma would get better, cos I really miss seeing that smile on your face. I'm sorry for all the pain I've brought you and thank you for all the sacrifices you've made, and for everything you've given to me, especially my life. Please promise to stay strong no matter what happens, because I can't imagine my life without you around. I love you mom.

Happy Mother's Day.