Thank you mom.

It's really funny how in the past, the both of us could hardly see eye to eye on so many things, and it was almost impossible to watch a day go by without us fighting till our last gasp. I find it amazing how forbearing and altruistic of a person you are, especially when it comes to me. Despite the number of times I broke your heart, you continued to endure all the pain and sufferings with great fortitude. I'm only here today because you've never given up on me, a choice you could've easily chosen to lessen the weight of the world you bore on your shoulders. I thank you for that.

-

I believe I've mentioned this somewhere in one of my earlier posts, that I used to be a little boy-crazy in the past, and every guy I dated meant the WORLD to me. Yeah, it sounds rather imbecile, especially with my age back then. And despite how much my parents objected, I'd continue to rebel and stick with whichever guy at that time. Just thinking of the number of times I hurt my mom, it literally overwhelms my soul with guilt. It's hard to believe that, for that one guy who treated me like trash, and also disregarded my parents, he's actually the person I gave everything up for... Including my perfect family. That was when I first witnessed my mom shedding tears for the mistakes I've done, however, I didn't change. It took me 4 years to realise something, the unconditional love my mom has towards me.

It wasn't until my last relationship, where I got my heart so shattered, where I lied on the floor crying for three, good hours. My mom stood there and watched me, and what took me by surprise was, as she saw how broken I was, tears started welling up in her eyes as well.

The weeks that followed were the toughest period of my life. I woke up and slept crying, and my mom was there for me. She was the only one who was there. I'd text her at ungodly hours and no matter how tired she was, or whether she had work the next day... She'll drag herself out of bed, come to my bedroom just to listen to me, advise me with patience and wipe my tears off my face.

I finally realised that she was the only one who genuinely cared when everyone around was just concerned about what happened.

That's when everything changed, and that's how she became like my best friend.

-

This coming Mother's Day leaves me with a heavy heart. My grandmother, who's been around for close to a century, has recently been admitted to the ICU department during the time when I was having my examinations. I was hardly there for my mom when she was struggling and needed me, for I was so busy dealing with my studies. My conscience bit me, but I told myself that I should work extra hard so that my parents would be able to retire early and lead a better life, with less worries.

It was such a painful sight to watch her cry to me, and what's worse was that there was nothing I could do to help.

The condition of my grandmother has been pretty unstable, and I know my mom's been caught between the decision to let her go, or to just hang on to that hope that things will get better.

This made me reflect a lot, and has also made me realise how much I'm afraid to lose my mom.

You never know when someone's gonna walk out of your life.

Remembering the times I've spent arguing with her, going against her, and driving her nuts... I wish I actually used those time to learn my mistakes, listen to her needs and to be a better daughter instead.

We've all found our mothers annoying at some point of our lives before, but we'd probably miss their presence if they are no longer around.

 Time lost, can never be regained. Always remember that as you're growing older, she's actually ageing too.

You don't have to wait till Mother's Day to be that filial child, no matter how much you dislike your mom at times, bear in mind that you wouldn't have been around if it wasn't for her. Don't allow that 9 months of pain to go in vain.

I hope grandma would get better, cos I really miss seeing that smile on your face. I'm sorry for all the pain I've brought you and thank you for all the sacrifices you've made, and for everything you've given to me, especially my life. Please promise to stay strong no matter what happens, because I can't imagine my life without you around. I love you mom.

Happy Mother's Day.

Fred's 24th

As you can read from the title, it was Freda's Birthday yesterday, and many of us got together to celebrate this joyous occassion with her. In case you don't have a clue who Fred is... Here's a short introduction. (Hahaha she's so gonna hate me when she sees this)

Let's take a walk down memory lane... I gotta know her back in 2012, so it was approximately 2 years since. She was the person who brought me into Gushcloud, where I was then exposed to all kinds of people, really cool people. She's my manager, my really good friend, and probably an older sister I never had. Even though we're both really busy, considering how much of a workaholic this lady is, she would always squeeze some time out of her busy schedule for me, and this is absolutely priceless. She's one person I give my utmost respect to, because she taught me so much and has always been there to guide me as I grow. 

 Most of you should know by now that I'm the only child in my family, and it does cross my mind several times, "How does it feel like to have an elder sibling?" Well, she answers that question. I've never felt so connected with someone before, and I'm really glad to have met Fred. As a person, or as a friend, she's someone I really value, someone I know would never ever walk out on me even if everyone else does. 

Her shortcomings are what make her perfect. She's annoying and super naggy sometimes, but those are the small little gestures that allow me to realise how much I mean to her as well.

Thanks Fred, love you. (Don't get goosebumps or start tearing up pls. I know I'm very sweet, thanks. Hehe)

-

 So anyway, we had dinner at this really decent, French restaurant, La Nonna, located at Namly Place. It is pretty isolated and the vicinity of it does give me the creeps, I'd probably freak myself out if I lived there and had to walk back home alone in the night. 

Besides that, the food was really good and I'd say it's an ideal place to bring someone to, if you're out on a date and looking for a quiet place, with relatively affordable dishes.

Alright, I'll let the pictures do the talking now. (⬇︎ I'm sorry Fai, I just had to do this :p)

Are friends my priorities?

I do enjoy being alone, but the feeling of loneliness kills. 

Since young, it's never been an issue making new friends to me...  However, I'm usually the kind who'd rather have one best friend, than to have five good friends. Hence, whenever I lose my best friend, I feel like I've no one else to rely on.

I prefer to stick to my usuals, and hardly step out of my comfort zone, because I find it really tough to trust new people, and also because I hate feeling awkward. Used to be quite an introvert, and I'll come up with all kinds of excuses just to reject an opportunity to meet a new friend or bunch of new friends. 

Having thoughts like, "What if I can't fit in?" "What if no one likes me?" "Will people judge me?" tend to hold me back from hanging out with new people.

It got worse when I started becoming more known on social media. 

I met a lot of insincere people; those who pretended they were fine with me when they were not, those who came to me just for favours. And I also had many friends who entered my life and ditched me after they found "better" friends.

I would say that I've gained many experiences that money couldn't buy over the last two years.

I would take a bullet for most of my friends, but half the time, it turns out that they were the ones who pulled the trigger.

I struggled for a really long time; a dilemma between being the one who never stops trying, but gets hurt repeatedly, or the one who doesn't give two f*cks to anything around.

Obviously, the second one sounds like an easier and less painful option, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

The thing about me is that I find it hard to stop caring. If someone's important to me, I'd still care about them even if they don't deserve a millisecond of my time.

And I used to get really upset over those friends who leave me out, or treat me like their backup plans... I mean I'm pretty sure many of you feel the same way at times right?

Until I eventually grew out of that "emo" stage and told myself that it was time I learn to let go.

Many of you have always been emailing, tweeting me or contacting me through various means to enquire about friendship problems. Not that I'm some aunt agony, neither is it because I know the solutions to every friendship problem there is on this planet... Just my two cents worth of opinion I think I could share.

-

So along the way, I did get to know a lot more people, but I've also learnt to take things a lot easier. Life is not always a bed of roses, and you can't expect things to go according to how you want it to be all the time.

Half the time, I wish I could just wake up one day, make a trip to the bank, and realise I turned into a billionaire overnight, and be like...

Yeah, I know I know, it's just me living in my own material world. Money can't buy true happiness, but it can definitely buy loads of things that would make me happy.

Just like friends, they may not be your only source of happiness, but sometimes, you choose to think that they are. You convince yourself into believing that without them, you can't live. You feel that with no friends, life is meaningless. 

Alright, let's make it clear, if you did something to hurt your friend, and he/she dumps you, then you deserve it. :p However, if you've done your part by doing the best you could for someone, going the extra mile and prioritising their happiness before yours, YET they do not reciprocate or appreciate it...

Then perhaps it's time to you receive a slap in the face by reality that you suck. Nah, I'm joking, I hope no one stopped reading from my last sentence lol.

The truth is? LIFE GOES ON!

I've been used, I cried, I've been hurt, but honestly, you should always realise your worth at the end of the day. And your worth isn't determined by anyone, but yourself. Why allow someone to dominate your life? Key word? YOUR LIFE.

I'm not saying friends are not important, cos they are. They are there when you need them, they share your joy but also your tears, they make you feel wanted and they make you feel a sense of belonging.

However, there are more than 7 billion people in this world, although one friend can mean the world to you at times, that doesn't mean that you should lose sight of the remaining people who still cares, especially your family.

Anyway, point is... There are much more important things in life to focus on, so f*ck it if your friend "last seen" you on Whatsapp.

Just kidding. Stay tuned to my next post! :D