Thoughts at 2 in the morning

It's funny isn't it? It's such an agonising and tiring cycle, how people only start to care when you give up, how people only care for the people who gives them the least, and forsake those who are always there for us.

Yes, you may think you're the one hurting right now, for being ignored and neglected by the person you care the most about... But have you wondered if are actually hurting someone who's trying so hard to get your attention, but constantly fails to do so too?

Well, I'm saying this from personal experience, I'm not sure if it works the same way for everyone.

I've been feeling like the loneliest person on earth lately, just cos I was pretty much deprived of attention from people I gave the world to.

It's like nobody notices what I do for them, until I stop doing so.

However, after giving it some thought for hours one night, I found it disturbing how I was probably doing the same thing to a lot of people who really wanted to be there for me.

I unintentionally and sub-consciously pushed the people who care for me away and shut them out, and rather waste my tears on people who wouldn't even spare second of their day to give a thought about me.

And that's when I start to wonder, maybe that's why I've been ignored - Because you can never be too nice to people, they'll naturally take you for granted at some point.

I thought to myself - Why? Why are humans built in such a way. I can't comprehend.

Not long after, I deduced that, perhaps it's normal. I won't deny it's still the worst feeling nature has ever created whenever you feel like nobody cares about you nor appreciates your existence, but I realised something else that's way more important...

I'm learning to appreciate everyone around me and to choose the right people to treat the right way.

Like they say, you don't wanna lose the moon while counting the stars.

Red love

As you can see, I'm back to being a red head. I seriously think I've issues staying faithful to the same hair color for more than 2 months. However, I dyed it myself this time round like how I did for my black hair. (Too lazy to head to the Salon.)

Let me tell you about my crazy experience. Well, I was aware of how bad the condition of my hair was, so I refused to bleach it and ended up sitting right before my desktop for an hour, googling for alternatives. *Searching... Feeling impatient...* FOUND IT. 

Can't remember which was the page I found this, I think it was called Walgreens or something. I found this hair product, "Color Oops Extra Strength Hair Color Remover."

I read about a hundred reviews on MakeupAlley before I decided to give it a try. Instead of getting it from Walgreens, I got two bottles (each at USD12.99) from Amazon instead.

Basically, from what it said in the description box:

- Color Oops Extra Strength is the safest and most effective way to reverse an undesirable hair color application within 20 mins and it's bleach free and ammonia free. 

- Color Oops will not have the damaging effects of bleach or ammonia based products. 

- Color Oops Extra Strength is so gentle that you can recolor hair the same day. 

- Color Oops Extra Strength takes you back to your lightest shade. It will return your hair to its natural color if the artificial hair color applied is darker than your natural shade. If the artificial hair color applied is lighter than your natural color, your natural pigment has been chemically lightened and although Color Oops will remove the artificial dye from your hair, ultimately your hair will be the chemically lightened color. 

Although I was pretty sure it isn't a scam, I was still afraid to be betrayed by my intuition… Oh well, it sounds rather promising and… 你只活一次!! (Hate how overused YOLO is, but it makes me sound like some fearless lion whenever I say it, lol)

Got to Watsons and bought two bottles of L'oreal Paris Excellence hair dye in Spicy Red (P66) I think it costed approx $18 each. (The same brand I used for my black hair)

Well, I left those two bottles lying on my bedroom's floor for a week, and my Color Oops still hasn't arrived… So there came the moment where I got so bored on Christmas night, and that's when my itchy hands attempted to dye my hair and skipped waiting for the Color Oops.

WOW, SO MUCH FOR MY ACT OF BRAVERY - My hair ended up like a mess. Only the parts that weren't black and my roots, turned red… Let's take a moment to imagine how disastrous that was.

That wasn't the worse part, my tragic story reached its peak when I woke up the next day to find out that the Color Oops have arrived. Total FML moment.

Anyway, made a trip back to Watsons last night and got another two bottles of the same red dye.

My thoughts on the Color Oops hair application:

- I left it on for about 45 mins, instead of 20 cos I was talking on the phone.

- My black pigments went off completely.

- Only one bottle was used despite how thick my hair is.

End results: Hair did turn into a light shade of brown as they described.

Downside: I think it still smells pretty nasty even though it stated that it's ammonia free.

Verdict: I love it!!!! It really worked well on me, and my hair condition remained the same as before. 

Anyway, I really like this new shade of red on my hair now!

Below are some pictures of the first attempt, (which are rather deceiving… Somehow it looks pretty pleasant compared to how it really was in reality) taken yesterday.

- 

Met Ric at Haji to do some catching up, and met another friend for dinner in town thereafter.

My extremely candid face that shouts "seriously?!" for something silly he said.

Alright, will post more pictures of my new hair when I'm back! Have a great weekend ahead!

Untitled.

This isn't the first time I'm actually feeling this down, but it sucks because everything took place over Christmas eve and the actual day itself. I hardly share much about my personal issues online, but I feel desperately in need to share how I feel right now.

I always remind myself that true friends are hard to come by, and especially with my social status... I'm more than grateful to those who are still with me until today. What's the point of having five thousand friends on Facebook, when I probably can't even name 5 people who I could confidently call my true friends.

Disclaimer - As much as I think I'm really pathetic, I'm not writing this in exchange for any of your sympathy, but I honestly can't think of anyone to speak to at the moment... After all, it's Christmas, I'm pretty sure no one would wanna spend this joyous day listening to my rants.

Besides, I hate sharing with people just cos I hate it when they feel obligated to listen. I hate being a burden.

I would never dare to title myself as "the greatest friend" anyone could ever have, but I'd blatantly claim to be when it comes to you.

Sometimes, I ask myself... How forgiving could one ever be? I've no idea who could've accepted you for the things you've done, the same way I did for the past couple of years.

I'm not here to act all magnanimous, neither am I writing this make you feel bad, so I think there isn't a need to talk about the things that happened in depth.

The only thing I have in mind right now is the question, "why?"

I don't understand, why am I still here until today.

Time and again, I convince myself that you've been a really good friend just because you will try your best to be there when I need someone to talk to, and that you're still here despite my status. 

It's not my intentions to weigh it all out, but this time I got slapped in the face by the cold, hard truth... Maybe anyone could be there when I need someone to talk to, so after all, what's so special about us?

For years, I hear people like you telling me the same old line, "You mean so much to me, I can't afford to lose you." Oh, really?

What have you done out of utmost sincerity, to make me stay? Do I really mean that much to you, or are you just saying it for the sake of patronising me?

I always tell myself that maybe I'm expecting too much from some people, maybe I'm putting my own standards of how a "good friend" should be, on them. 

It's like, I know if it was me, I would do this and that for them, but when they don't... I feel disappointed.

Then again, I don't really think I'm expecting a lot from you. After all the things I've done for you, I've never asked you for anything than a little time and commitment.

I've never mind the fact that you had to share your time between me and your other friends, I'm cool that you can never be able to give me your undivided attention...

But even when you're with me, it feels like you're only physically around, your mind and soul's wandering off.

The worst part is, I've kept mum about it for so long, but this time round... It was my breaking point.

I love you so much that I'd never wanna put you in a position where you'd have suffer the pain of having to pick one out of the both of us, but in my head, it feels like I already have an answer.

I'm not exactly assuming, cos you've proven me right countlessly.

We're so over that phase, there's no need to go all "unfriend you" and shit, but I've came to a point where... I'm starting to question if leaving would make me happier.

I've never wanted to, and I've perpetually told myself to stay bcos of those few reasons, when I probably have a million more on why I should leave.

I'm the kind who'd rather stick with the same old person for years than to find someone new and start all over again, I'm really afraid it might've reached a point where you're irreplaceable.

I don't need your apology. Like I said, I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, but this is how I truly feel.

-

Sometimes, we choose to stay just cos we're so afraid we can't find someone else like that particular person, even though it's killing us alive. However, maybe it's only when you leave, where you realise how much better your life could actually be without them, and be able to find the real you back, just cos you kept trying to change yourself while you're with them.

I'm sorry I don't have many friends, I'm sorry that's why I get easily attached to people I'm close with even though I try my best not to, I'm sorry that's when I'll start to give you my best and hope you'd stay for good, I'm sorry I can't accept it when people I love leave, I'm sorry if I'm not good enough even after all that I've done.

You know, the worst part of feeling upset is perhaps wondering if the other party bothers as much as you do.

This is so devastating.

-

Anyway, from this, you guys can probably conclude that I didn't have a really good Christmas, and therefore have no pictures to share.

I really hope all of you enjoyed yourself though. Love.

P/s I'm talking about two friends here, one in particular... In case it sounded like I was talking about a guy I'm dating or sort.