Thought I'd feel a little better after posting a few tweets, and eventually chuck it off my mind just like how I normally would.
Thought it's gonna be how it is usually - Feel deeply affected, dwell over it for a little while, cry myself to sleep and starting afresh the following morning.
But this time... I just... Can't ignore how bad of an impact it has on me anymore.
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What does the word "hate" means exactly? To some, it may seem like love - It's self-explanatory. (Though it appears to me what they really meant was just, "I don't really need a reason to hate someone.")
Sometimes you hate someone due to reasons as such - They've done you wrong, they've hurt you or your loved ones, betrayal, or it may just be something really trivial... Perhaps because you found out that that person's hanging out with your crush?
To sum it up, there are so many reasons to hate someone.
And probably hating someone without a legit reason?
Just like love, the word "hate" feels like it's being thrown around as easily as how that word takes to come out from a person's mouth.
On the spur of the moment, we act out of agitation. We may even say things we don't mean, like how you may say you "hate" your mom after a prolonged reprimand.
You get where I'm coming from?
Disclaimer: This post isn't a dedication to anyone, nor is it a post to tell you I know it all. I just wanted a space to pour my feelings to.
I'm not sure where I should begin.
I'm not sure if it's gonna make any sense to any of you, I'm not sure if any of you would be able to relate and empathize with me, nor do I know the right words to describe how I feel, but I'm just gonna type them down anyways.
I've been exposed to the social life since I was around 11. I remember that was when "Friendster" was still the "in" thing. I used to be pretty confident about myself, perhaps because I wasn't one of those super popular kids who people wish to hate on back then.
I didn't have much of a problem dealing with self esteem issues. All was good until I was 12, in Primary 6.
I started having a blog. At that point, it was just something I thought I should have, since most of the cool seniors I looked up to, had one.
Throughout that year, I made a couple of stupid mistakes which I'm not proud of and which I've also gotten pretty notorious for, and that's when I started receiving my fair share of hate comments on my blog's tagbox. (it's just like a comment box if you don't already know what that is.)
However, with hate, came love. I begin to have juniors who supported me and defended me through hard times. In fact, some are still following me till today, (which I'm really appreciative of) and unfortunately, some have turned their backs against me along the way.
It wasn't long until I started my new life in Secondary 1. As usual, it didn't take long for me to be one of the unpleasant topics my seniors would gossip about.
Guess my worst mistake was dating the wrong person and walking the wrong path which led me astray.
One of the things I've learned over the years; never ever offend your seniors... You'd probably lead a miserable life in the aftermath of it. Not even kidding.
I hated school, because I felt like everyone secretly hated me. I had friends, but I was somewhat skeptical about how they truly felt towards me deep down.
I remember how one of my ex boyfriends wrote a hate post on my terrible acnes I had when I was 13. He said something along these lines - "Those bumps on your face are so horrible that ants would have a tough time crawling on your face."
And he was the guy I fell head over heels for, also the one who tarnished my reputation in school and broke my heart ever so deeply.
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I had my "moment" last year.
I gained even more attention from the social world which also caused me to receive even more hate from so many more people.
Many said that I've changed, but I would say that I'm still the same person until today. The only thing that has changed would be their opinion towards me.
You know how when something doesn't work, it's so much easier to just say "He/she changed, instead of saying, I guess it was my fault it didn't work out."
If there's one thing that I really have to name, it's that I've changed to become a stronger person.
Anyway point is, I've been dealing with the nastiest comments since I was 12.
So question is, do you really think I've yet to see the worst?
I remember how I used to cry for nights last year after reading some of the most malicious insults. And do you know what I'd usually do thereafter? I'd start questioning and reflecting upon myself and there were several times where I was on the verge of giving up.
But I didn't, because I kept reminding myself of the tough times I've been through. I kept reminding myself to strive harder and to use my haters as a motivation to continue improving.
I am where I am today, partially because of all my haters, so there's no reason why I should be hating them.
The only issue I have is what I've witnessed over the past 1.5 years.
I was pretty much cool until I realized how many of you are trying to pick up fights with me over tweets that I've tweeted more than a year ago.
I mean, sometimes I really don't understand what I've done to deserve this.
There was once, I merely went to catch a 1D's live concert premiere at MBS. Well, not cos I was a big fan of them, but because my gf was, and I wanted to accompany her.
And because of that, someone on twitter mentioned me this, "Who the f*ck are you to attend their concert, you slut. Just go to hell!"
I won't deny I've a really lousy memory, but when something really affects me, I'll never forget it.
Of course I understand that putting myself out on this social platform, would just be a risk I've to take. Whether I like it or not, there will be people who are bound to dislike me and there's nothing I can do about it besides sucking it up.
I also understand that this world is just unfair this way... but I didn't choose to be where I am today, did I? Why do you hate me for a choice I didn't make, and over something that I've no control of?
I had so many asking me, "Naomi, if you were given a choice to lead the current life you're leading, and to be nobody, which would you rather?"
I honestly would pick the second, if I haven't come this far.
Could you imagine how I scraped through last year, when I was taking my major papers? I swear it wasn't easy.
I hate tweeting things and getting hated for everything I say. Simple tweets like, "I feel like dying." I've a bunch of sadists who would reply "Go ahead."
I hate walking going out feeling uneasy because I've people giving me dirty looks, as if I've killed their entire family.
I hate how I can never be oblivious to my surroundings, and just do whatever I like because I know there will be people watching.
I hate leading a life that doesn't feel like my life.
I hate waking up in the morning, going on twitter, and getting my mood affected the entire day because of certain things people say.
I hate how I'll get hated for doing something any other ordinary person could do and get loved for instead.
I hate how people just wanna be friends with me for their personal gains.
I hate how everyone treats me like a gem when I'm up there, and leave me in the lurch when I fall.
I hate how I can't be treated normally when that's what I really yearn for.
I know how some may go like, "they are jealous, so don't bother about what they've to say."
And I'm telling you, unless you've been in this position, or worse before, you wouldn't even say that - because you'd know that not everyone's jealous, and it's not easy as it is to just "cheer up" and "not care."
Even the strongest person would, at some point of their lives, feel weak and vulnerable. And I'm undeniably not one of those self-proclaimed "strongest person alive."
Moreover, I'm someone who gets really affected when I know someone dislikes me. I'll go all out to explain myself as much as I can, because I hate misunderstandings. That's my character. Let alone, how normal people would react to such situations.
Besides, I don't think that highly of myself to say that "everyone's just jealous." In fact, even if I was that unabashed, it's not true either.
If you've already forgotten what I've mentioned at the start of this post, let me refresh your memory that sometimes people can hate you for no particular reason. They just do.
You can say things like, "You're just being ridiculous, accept the consequences if you wanna do things as such." But why am I forced to face the repercussions of things that I didn't even do?
I'm just me, being me, doing what I've to do, and I didn't even offend you. In fact, I don't even know most of you, nor do most of you even know me.
So why? Why can't you guys just leave me alone? Why do I always have to be the one that's being targeted?
And let me reiterate, I'm not saying I shouldn't have haters, nor am I a saint that has never made any mistakes to deserve hate before. I'm just saying, why do I have to be held responsible for a sin that I've not committed?
Why can't you let me live my life, like how I let you live yours?
I'm not writing this post in hope for your sympathy, nor advice.
I just wanted a space to share how I've been feeling lately. That's all.
Last but not least, I have something to say to some of you.
If you're a true friend, or supporter, you won't just become a hater upon listening to one side of the story. And you won't just follow the flow by hating on who you claim to support, just cos you don't wanna be ostracised for going against the majority.
You won't take advantage of the situation when they fail, by tweeting things just to gain RTs. You won't take sides just by listening to groundless rumours.
A true friend and supporter stays true despite whatever that happens.
And for that, I wanna thank those who are still supporting me until today. I love you.
